Happy Halloween

This was a quiet Halloween. Jasmine went trick or treating - but not before she gave away practically all the sweets I'd got for our visiting trick or treaters.

The tv has died again - myth front end has frozen and so we can't watch any tv. Tom tried to fix it but can't. Looks like it's going to stay that way till Kat comes home. Great. I still have the little tv in the study, so I can watch in there. It could be worse.

Spent day sorting out stuff. Phoned Dave and he said if the £100 wasn't enough, how much would be? Am sure I can get more for these things on ebay, but the doors and wood will be more useful to us in other ways.

Kat is going out to get blasted on Jack Daniels tonight - funny to think it's only lunchtime in Seattle and he has all Halloween evening to look forward to - in America too. He's very lucky.

Halloween Cat

30th October - 19 days to go!!




Jasmine is getting excited about Halloween. I bought her a pumpkin kit and she has carved it with the traditional wolf (the only time of year her obsession makes sense).

Ref photos to see that I actually share our house with a 2 insane people.



Poppy is becoming increasingly naughty - most of the time she is at the taps in the kitchen sink or on top of the fridge. You now take your life in your hands every time you go to get the dinner ready - avoiding large blunt objects that arbitrarily fly from the top of the fridge

Red red red

29th October - 20 days to go!!

So I thought it would be a good idea to colour my hair - the red had turned to a bland orange. Little did I realise that the stupid dye was a really stoopid dye. It went bloody everywhere. My ears, neck and jaw were red - the sink and bath went (and still are) red - the downstairs sink went red and the chopping board is now red. The kitchen and bathroom look like recent scenes from A Chainsaw Massacre and I closely resemble one of the victims. It took hours to get the stuff off my skin and a whole bottle of cleanser.

I got Claire to take a picture - sorry it's so cheesy, but beggars can't be choosers.

Here is the result. I think it was worth it!

Had nice long chat with best beloved (it's now 1.30am) and am off to bed. Halloween round the corner! Beloved off to party the night away, but I am stuck at home ferrying childs. Seems wrong somehow. Oh well. Could go out with Claire to Bournemouth - but I'm sure everyone would think I'm in some old witch's costume. Probably ask me to take my mask off cos it's frightening them. I wish I was beautiful - oh dear..am beginning to feel sorry for myself again. Time for bed, said Zebedee. How the hell did he get in here?

The shed continues....

26th October - 23 DAYS TO GO!

This is great, the first week is nearly out of the way and that was always going to be the most difficult. Life without him is lonely, but I'm getting on with it now and don't miss him nearly so much. Thank goodness. Funnily enough, I think this has a lot to do with chatting each day (on video cam too), it means a lot to me.

And on with the shed. Mum and I worked out how to put up the next set of panels, but she had to go early, so I got on with it. She did assume this was impossible and I must admit it wasn't easy balancing these huge pieces of hardboard across 2 pathetically small workmates (benches that is, not humans). So I kind of adopt a mad position holding the hardboard between my legs and using the jigsaw very gingerly. Actually, that's not really true. I didn't use the jigsaw gingerly, I bloody well went for it!!! It's quite exhilerating, hacking insanely through giant wobble boards. I can see why Kat loves his chainsaw so much.

So here is the result so far - I've done most of 2 walls. Every board needed downsizing and most of them needed bits cut out, which is the tricky bit. If they aren't quite right, fitting wise, I had to hack at them with the stanley knife - and it's really difficult cutting through hardboard.

Oh well. Tomorrow is teaching in the morning, then shed in the afternoon!

I think I will paint all the walls once they are done.

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated -

Well, I don't know if my time is running out (I hope not) but last night it certainly felt like it.

I should explain. I often suddenly wake, at any time of the night, unable to breathe. I usually feel that I am dying and if I don't breathe within seconds I will be dead. The problem is that I have forgotten how to and it's almost impossible to will your ribcage open to make your lungs fill up.

It's a terrible and extremely upsetting thing. I usually grab Kat or bury myself into him, into his reality. And somehow I can breathe again.

Last night was awful. I woke with a bad attack and had nothing to help me. I started wildly grabbing at anything I could find and found myself silently screaming "Oh God won't someone help me!" In my desperation I managed to knock everything off the bedside table - the cd player, light, teddy bears, books, water - all went flying. I was so sure that this time I was going to die. I could see myself dead in the morning and the kids having to tell Kat.

When I finally got that gasp of air into my lungs, I lay there panting and thinking I never want to sleep again.

The rest of the night was just spent intermittently dozing and having weird nightmares.

So I went to the doctor. I hoped that he might at least give me some possible explanations, but he was useless. Told me he had no idea what it was, but it was probably some sort of mental illness (he told me not to get upset at that). I said I clearly am unhappy now and very lonely, but I was not depressed in the medical sense. None the less, he prescribed some happy pills and told me to take them immediately. He said they may cause insomnia and I shouldn't really drive when taking them (for the next 4 weeks). I looked them up on the internet and realised that these were tablets that I would not be taking now or indeed, ever.

So now I'm really looking forward to going to bed tonight.

It's strange

It's strange. It's 10.30 at night. I'm in a house full of people. I can hear sounds of laughter everywhere. And yet I've never been so lonely in all my life.

Three Steps to Heaven

Monday 23rd October - 26 DAYS TO GO

So today was terribly exciting. Ok, that's totally untrue.

Woke up early to get to Post Office before work. Beloved managed to go to the States without an adaptor for any of the twenty electrical items he took with him. I refrain from any further comment. So I got the 2 plugs we already possessed, packed them nicely with a love letter and hurried off to the main Post Office, with daughter - its' half term. I was delighted to see that I was in a queue of over 10 pensioners. Which begs the question why do ladies of a certain age adopt the woolly hat? It's not that cold, and God knows they are no fashion statement. But there they were - this sea of angora knitwear, spreading in front of me for all eternity. I waited. And waited. And waited. As the last wibbly wobbly made for the till, I breathed a sigh of relief. The postperson was very helpful and said my parcel should get to Beloved before the end of the week - providing I pay £7.50. Which I did. Cos I'm nice. And cos it will mean we can chat and stuff.

Teaching was fine. The work is looking very good and will make a nice display.

So charged off to the Bournemouth hospital to get my blood tests done. Have important appointment with Head of Whatever in 2 weeks time and have just discovered that the blood tests have to be done AT LEAST 2 weeks in advance. Oops. Hence the insanity today. Arrive at clinic and discover waiting time is only 85 minutes. Hang on. ONE HOUR AND TWENTY FIVE MINUTES??? I commented to the nice receptionist that this seemed a longish time to wait. And she said Poole would be 2 weeks, so it's down to you - 85 minutes or 2 weeks? Her sarcasm was lost on me. I sourly replied that I always got straight in when I went to Poole and handed over my paperwork. I suggest you go and get a drink she said. My mind immediately was sitting in a pub, with a pint of Guinness. Well, I was going to lose a lot of iron in those 2 small phials of blood - it's more than an armful! Of course, she meant tea. So went back to car, got daughter, had lunch, bought magazines, meandered slowly back and got called in after 5 minutes. Perfect timing.

The Step




So yesterday I managed to persuade my hulking great son and his diminutive girlfriend (now brunette) to move the slabs of concrete, to make a lovely step to our chalet shed thingy. After many tantrums (so reminiscent of his dear father) the steps were done. Today, went out with my mum to get some gravel (our chalet was becoming a walk in mudbath) and some wood for the next stage of panelling. Tom, my skinny great son, put down the gravel - for a price!

Tom
Tom's friend Ali has arrived and so now our household is back to 6 people..oh goody. At least it will stop me constantly getting out that extra plate and having to put it away again, with a lump in my throat.

The shed saga continues

Saturday 21st Oct - 28 days to go!

Nb this is a very trivial blog, designed to allow beloved in America a chance to see how my bland little life is developing while without him.

Beloved has been gone less than 48 hours and I've finally stopped crying! Things are looking up.

Kat was very concerned about my working with a nail gun - so here's a picture of me juggling stanley knives.



I GOT A SILVER MACHINE
It was good to get a text at 1.30 am to let me know he was safe - I couldn't have slept without knowing. But I was woken 6 hours later by the arrival of the new washing machine - they were passing and would I like it now (at 7.30am) rather than 10 hours later? So I dragged my weary body out of bed into the half light (or should that be half life?) and we are now the proud owners of a wonderful washing machine that works...oh, and doesn't smell! I have obviously spent the day piling more and more into said silver square. It has not objected too much, so far.

I BEEN SKYPED
I suppose it was a good idea. Kat and I can talk to each other for free. I've no idea how it works, but it does. Well, it did. I figured that gorgeous kreecher stuck in Seattle would be awake early and so I pressed the button that said "Skype me". It had a smiley face, so it looked nice and friendly. A few minutes later, I notice I've missed a call from some foreign stranger. And then another man is chatting to me, telling me how beautiful I am in my photograph. I say thank you and please go away. Then the phone rings. Not the weirdo in chat I pray. No worse. A Frenchman. Who doesn't speak English. Non parlez Francais! I shout down the phone in a bizarre mixture of Italiano Franco (I was under pressure). Eventually, I put the phone down on him - to the hysterics of my now disinherited children. Who are all these men? What have I done? And the little smiley face grins back at me. He knows. And suddenly so do I. I remove evil yellow clown smiley face. A little while later my beloved is awake and online. Yay! We talk with a weird 2 second gap - so we constantly interrupt each other and then stop abruptly because we hear the other one talking, in a dreadful and incessant loop. Chatting via skype or messenger might be easier, but it was still good to hear his voice. And he still loves me, so my darkest fears aren't realised then. Well, not yet anyway.

THE SHED

Now feeling refreshed and happier, I decide it's time to begin the shed. Me muvver turns up and we make a start. It was hard work, but not as bad as I thought it would be. The knife cut into the polystyrene like butter. My mum's measuring left a little to be desired, but kept us amused.

Later, Tom came out to help me finish off and it was a joy to work with him. Here's a shot of me throwing stanley knives at him and one of him dancing his way out of trouble....

































The first part of the insulation is done. Sadly, I was hoping to go to an art event tonight and do a spot of being artistic thingy, but when I start something I just have to finish it. Tomorrow will be trickier - we have to cut up the hardboard with a jigsaw and something called a workmate or bench or big blue thing stuck by the shed.

Tune in for the next post straight from Poole General Hospital.

My paranormal dreams

Oh yuch. This is so difficult. How do you sort out ways to cope with a partner off on business abroad for a month? Strangely, I think I've been in the mindset for at least a week; constantly assessing how I will feel when he is gone. And now he has. Today. He's in the air as I type.

So a couple of weeks ago, I had a dream. I dreamed that Kat got sent to the States on business, that I got very upset about it and that the place he stayed was a tall large white square building. I told Kat. He remained as impressed and excited as he always does when I tell him my dreams - he's very tolerant, bless him. 3 days later he comes home and tells me work is sending him to America in 2 weeks. For a month. I got upset. I go quiet when I get upset, so it's not so bad. The next day I got over it and remembered the dream. Weird - a real coincidence. Later, I saw a photo of the building he's staying in and yes, it was tall, large, square and white. I was really spooked then.

The last weeks have been tricky, so much to organise. We will only have a fortnight when Kat returns before we are off on our holiday of a lifetime(to South Africa). Which meant I had to work really hard to get everything organised and confirmed, while Kat was still around to agree to it! It's all done, more or less.

To conclude, the prophetic dreams are becoming more frequent. But apart from the Kat one, they seem to have no purpose. They usually are things that I see the following day or 2 on tv. Like a house developed for forensics - I saw that the day before, with dancing policemen. And yes, I have considered that I see it subconsciously and then dream it, but somehow I don't think so.

Bournemouth Adult Learning - BAL for short

This is something that breaks my heart and has made me quite ill - but it must be said. Bournemouth Adult Learning are a bunch of ***** (please fill in your own expletive, it can't be worse than mine). After a very successful set of AS level marks (3 As, 2 Bs, 1 C), which were won in spite of my sticking to the rules and the other AS tutor making them up, I find that I am without an A2 course and my students have nowhere to go.

I was informed by the College that my course was to be cancelled due to low numbers . Cancelled? But what about Abi Kremer's identical course? She had the same number of students on hers. Oh well, they say, her course is more cost effective. So that's the reason that 3 of my brilliant students are now without a course... it's not cost effective. I explained that if the college had the courtesy to discuss this with me I might have persuaded them to move centrally (even cheaper than Abi's course - ooh wow), but they weren't interested.

So I resigned.

The resignation was not just as a result of their incredible stupidity, but also as a reaction to their continued rejection of all pensioners.

They prattle on and on about EQUALITY AND DIVERSITY, but if you're over 60, screw you. They've taken away all your concessions ...sorry, you can still get them if you are a blind lone parent black lesbian earning less than 12p a week...or better still, YOU'RE A MUSLIM OR IMMIGRANT.

Oh yeah and they've made all the courses accredited - so you now have to take exams.

And how many pensioners want to take exams? They just want to do a bit of painting and drawing, with help from a nice tutor in a nice friendly atmosphere.

But that's not what Adult Ed is all about now. Oh no. It's all lesson plans, schemes of work, course/learner/tutor evalutions/assessments that go on for ever and ever. The latest is RARPA - where the learner (we don't call them students any more) has to evaluate how much they've learned and when they learned it. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HEALTH AND BLOODY SAFETY!!! When will people EVER learn to take responsibility for themselves again? I had to fill a full report to take my students 5 minutes down the road to the library for God's sake AND I had to seriously consider their a) getting knocked down by a bus (we have dangerous buses in Bournemouth) b) a terrorist attack c) bookcases falling down on top of them d)them falling down the stairs e) the lift plumetting them all to their squishy deaths. And so on. I should have added...e) alien abduction f) falling through the space/time continuum and g)meeting Tom Cruise, converting to Scientology and therefore missing the library exhibition.

I was being buried in a mountain of useless, pointless paperwork, which only served to indulge the ever increasing admin staff. And yes, they now had it on paper that I was doing the exact right thing, down to the minute - but hey! I could have made it up -and, here's a thought, maybe (just maybe) the other tutors did too - particularly the crap ones. God help us. The nanny state has taken over and taken away all the decent tutors and replaced them with lying automatons, who go through the motions to no ones benefit.

The shed is nearly done!

OMG
It's hard to believe that 9 months down the line we managed to get a shed built. Dave came up trumps (in spite of our misgivings) and the thing is done. We have purchased heaters and humidifiers to go inside and my mum has helped out financially so that we can get it insulated. It's all very exciting. On a sad note, beloved is going away for a month to Seattle in less than 2 weeks and I am really dreading it. Meanwhile here are some happy snaps of our new chalet!