I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated -

Well, I don't know if my time is running out (I hope not) but last night it certainly felt like it.

I should explain. I often suddenly wake, at any time of the night, unable to breathe. I usually feel that I am dying and if I don't breathe within seconds I will be dead. The problem is that I have forgotten how to and it's almost impossible to will your ribcage open to make your lungs fill up.

It's a terrible and extremely upsetting thing. I usually grab Kat or bury myself into him, into his reality. And somehow I can breathe again.

Last night was awful. I woke with a bad attack and had nothing to help me. I started wildly grabbing at anything I could find and found myself silently screaming "Oh God won't someone help me!" In my desperation I managed to knock everything off the bedside table - the cd player, light, teddy bears, books, water - all went flying. I was so sure that this time I was going to die. I could see myself dead in the morning and the kids having to tell Kat.

When I finally got that gasp of air into my lungs, I lay there panting and thinking I never want to sleep again.

The rest of the night was just spent intermittently dozing and having weird nightmares.

So I went to the doctor. I hoped that he might at least give me some possible explanations, but he was useless. Told me he had no idea what it was, but it was probably some sort of mental illness (he told me not to get upset at that). I said I clearly am unhappy now and very lonely, but I was not depressed in the medical sense. None the less, he prescribed some happy pills and told me to take them immediately. He said they may cause insomnia and I shouldn't really drive when taking them (for the next 4 weeks). I looked them up on the internet and realised that these were tablets that I would not be taking now or indeed, ever.

So now I'm really looking forward to going to bed tonight.